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My worst enemy

Submitted by on November 26, 2011 – 9:50 am2 Comments

I aspire to be great but I am held by my own bounds of self ridicule, self doubt, ignorance mixed with a touch of arrogance, and fear.

Fear you question? Fear of not living up to my own expectations and those of others. Fear of wrong choices and decisions. Fear of failure and of success. Fear of disappointing the ones that love me.

My moves sometimes appear impulsive but late nights with no sleep, showers filled with a brain racing on over drive, no moments of restful thoughts would argue otherwise. I analyze everything! I want it to stop but the fear fuels it. Impulsiveness is a luxury I fear that I cannot afford, so I’ve grown cold, …calculating, …critical, …and callus.

I want to be free and appreciate life for what it is and no longer what the world defines for me. Judging me. Mocking me. Laughing at me for both my failures and my success. Making me question the very breath that I take.

I want to be happy, inside. More than I am sad or afraid. I know happiness is not defined by the very things that my mind fears, attempts to control, or judges. Happiness is free from the bonds of self and society. Happiness is me free of me, but unfortunately at some point in my life I’ve become my own hostage. I have become my worst enemy.

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2 Comments »

  • L says:

    Peace, Folk. Ya girl L been absent for awhile, and I come back around to your beautiful yet tortured prose. This post and the two after it, they really hurt, I can feel the anxiety in each word. That’s good sh!t, but I wonder what’s the deal. Sounds like a rough patch, a knock down drag out with sadness. Well, keep it pushin’ Folk. Keep it pushin’.

  • Partlow says:

    just awesome!