SCC:  Floss’n in shopping malls and airports
November 3, 2013 – 4:17 am | Comments Off

Now to da bus of bullshytiness and why these peeps got to stop with da fvcking stereotyping!

A 19-year-old college student from Queens says he was handcuffed and locked in a jail cell after buying a $350 designer belt at Barneys on Madison Avenue because he is “a young black man.”

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Because poetry is the salve of a hurting soul. The expression of a gleeful heart. And the water for the thirsty spirit.


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To get to know a person’s soul is to read the words of their hands. …or to find out how crazy a motherf%$#* really is.

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You think the world is fvcked up now? Take comedy out of the mix. Then we’ll see how fvcked up things can get! So laugh b!tch.

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The missing tapes. Jan-may
July 28, 2014 – 5:49 pm | Comments Off

Content from notes I kept while this place was in hibernation

Rusty was his name.

My grandfather somehow got him into the car to bring him home.

He had been abandoned.

He had been hurt.

He had been abused.

You could see the fear in his eyes.

He would bark when he felt cornered because he had nowhere left to run.

It took time.

I can’t remember how long it took, but to my young slow days it seems it took years.

He would not eat his food initially with the other dogs.

We had to slowly coach him more and more to come out of his mental torture.

It is now I that am he.

Every day it takes every ounce of strength I have to live to put on the “face” to make it through those 14

I avoid her because I’m hurt, but I know my avoidance is itself is pain

Yet I still walk on eggshells.  I don’t want to hurt her any more.

For years I’ve hurt her and yet, I was unaware.

I accepted her silence as contentment and she was hollow inside.

On occasions that I can escape the reality of the daily grind, I drown my emotions in alcohol.

Just to dull the overwhelming sensations of hurt, pain, horror, and sorrow.

I drank waaaay to much while associates were near.

I’ve seen the bottom of a wine bottle or two on the night before my “day” off

What a joke the day off is.  There is no such thing in this role

Fate has dealt us both bad hands

Time has not been good to either of us together.

But my heart cannot fathom the hurt that I’ve caused

It causes a feedback loop that I can’t control

…how did it come to this?

…why are my hands bloodied with her blood?

Eight + years….

She’s played the reality of Rusty before we found him, she hid that from me.  Why?  Am I some tyrant?  Am I some monster?  Am I some demon?

I do know that most people have a sick narcissist twist of reality of what they see in the mirror that is warped with a defeating nature of self-deprecation.

And now I’m Rusty the dog that I grew up as a kid to know and love.  Afraid to trust anyone with me.

That was a great post. Can’t remember exactly when I inked that one. I remember traveling though. I believe I was in Allen.  Well here’s the next one that I titled run faster penned in late April or early may.

I have a strong sense of self
No matter how much it hurts
I will be me

And yet I can’t run from myself fast enough

I know for sure this was done in Allen. I remember the morning I broke down with this one titled the morning mirror.

I bathe in the ignorance of the extreme silence of words not understood but heard
Technology bridges the gap of communication yet we still do not communicate
I wake daily to embrace the reality of existence only to proclaim this is absurd
I look at a bloodied soul and run my hands under the water to wash away evidence of a soul in despair
I look in my windows through my eyes to see the pain that I hide from the world
Wrinkles of life appear on my face I apply the makeup to hide the scares of life because I care
I do not lie when I say that I love you that I care for you but is that enough?

This one I titled fvck fb. Pretty self explanatory

i try to keep up with her via fb
i shouldn’t bc it hurts; yet it makes my heart smile to see her smile
there are pics that i see her enjoying life and i see her genuinely happy
and it makes the load lighter to see her smile
she said life is easier when i’m not home
things are better she said
yet she misses me
…in my feed today i read something that made tears flow from my eyes and i mentally threw the phone across my hotel room which has become my cave of mental despair and daily reminder of a life i loathe
it read “at some point, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life.”
i read through the hundreds of comments
i was drawn in
my soul screamed in agony
my heart scratched the walls of pain
fvck fb, i have to go to fvcking work

I have a few more to move over her but I’ll save those for another moment when I want to and need to explore my pain.

July 28, 2014 – 5:49 pm | Comments Off

Up till we met I had a ho-hum of a sex life. We started off with a bang!  Pretty awesome sex life in my opinion until we lost the little one. The sex became a means to another goal. With each failed month the goal smothered the means and choked my sexual flames.
Careers life banks families moves all took their tolls. But when we were able to push all that aside we still had some good sex. But …

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Who do I run to?
July 25, 2014 – 11:19 am | Comments Off

So here I am. At the park crying like a bioytch.
She appeared awkward as I was leaving the shower. I noticed the corner of a flower petal on her shoulder but I wanted to give her the opportunity to tell me when she wanted to. 
So I moved on. As she showered I wanted to see her, I am a man and the only woman I’ve had is my hand. So I peeped like a adolescent boy.
But …

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Hard day: redux
July 24, 2014 – 9:41 pm | Comments Off

I sit here fighting back the tears. Mat knows something is amiss but she’s being respectful.
I don’t care…
The thought took me to my knees. All over a sky dive she has planned on Saturday. She told me she was going to but never said when. She didn’t tell me because she didn’t / don’t think I care.
She could fucking die. Sure I may not have been home. So I repeat what she told me, as her husband …

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Hard day
July 23, 2014 – 8:01 pm | Comments Off

For everyone. Days like today I just wanna feel sorry for myself and whine. I feel the emotions in there backed up like constipation. My eyes are darkening up from lack of sleep despite the pills. 
Mom broke down again today. Had to talk to the Rev. It’s not good. Everyone is mentally drained. But I had to put on a good face. Be the supporter and the psychiatrist.
Financially the hole is getting larger. As so as I …

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July 23, 2014 – 3:11 pm | Comments Off

For some reason as I cleaned the time and got the sissy from behind the tub wiped the baseboards cleaned the front of the vanity I became resentful. Start thinking about all the shit over the years I did / do that…  Toothbrushes razor blades I never kept a journal of those things. There were things I made sure she knew about to feel valuable. She’s not the type to go out her way to notice things or changes. …

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Dialed in error
July 22, 2014 – 12:58 am | Comments Off

She laughs sheepishly as she always do which brings a smile. She apologizes for calling and attempts to explain it was by mistake. Sure.
Two nights in a row this time. Syncing with the days that she isn’t home. I could tell that she just wanted to hear a familiar voice as the conversation ends as quickly as it starts. She proclaims she misses me and quickly inquires when I’m to return. I tell her soon. I try not …

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July 22, 2014 – 12:57 am | Comments Off

I’ve always said it’s bad when you lie to yourself, but hope will have you doing that and love.  Love will have you delusional.
I don’t think she cares for my new honesty toward myself and to her. My rose colored glasses are broken. The thing that haunts me most and keeps me up at night is the fact I can no longer see tomorrow.
I survive the days, barely. I’m often overwhelmed. I constantly push emotions to the …

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July 21, 2014 – 8:13 pm | Comments Off

I sit here trying to learn what I can of my side kick through Facebook. She’s on the other side of the country. She found a Pho spot not far from her hotel from what I can gather through tracing locations via Google maps. I use satellite to “see”. 
My heart drops slightly. I’m saddened. In my mind there are so many happy moments but the soundtrack of her words haunt me. The nights she cried herself to sleep, …

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July 15, 2014 – 8:26 pm | Comments Off

Time is the taker of the moment.  The manipulator of history through failed memories and devious intentions. The ever fleeting present that never exist in the now but only known through the records of the past. The keeper of inspiration, hope, and pain. The guardian of the future that never comes. The ghost of the ever present. The excuse of our failures when the future we hope for never comes. The chains of self torture because too often we …

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Murphy’s law
July 11, 2014 – 10:57 pm | Comments Off

One of those days. I’m swimming on paperwork from the last two weeks. Today I had to have s direct conversation with a peer that lead to a lot of…  Smh.
I know I’m near another episode of being overwhelmed. Anxiety attacks aren’t nice.
I’ve had multiple issues this week that have been “elevated”.
I’ve been placed on a couple of important committees that don’t help.
My yearly eval is due.  Today!  It’s 9 pm.
Situation at both homes …

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July 8, 2014 – 10:18 am | Comments Off

I get what I allow and I allow a lot. I bear burdens I don’t have to. But it makes me who I am. I walk gently but still choose to walk on broken glass. I cry silently and smile openly it is who I am. My principles require sacrifice where others scream i’m stupid but I know no other way. I hurt as much as I love.

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The invisible me that smothers me tight
March 12, 2014 – 12:23 am | Comments Off

flushed. arms heavy heart races slightly. a hollow feeling across my chest and torso. a tightening all around. naushia sets in. my mind races. attention span disappears. i fight the feeling of hopelessness and fear, yet I know I’m just a board in an angry sea.
that’s what my anxiety attacks feel like.
they are hell to fight. to keep them from overtaking me. to prevent them from shutting …

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